Fancy Feast

Merry late Christmas/Hanukah/Holidays!

I came home for Christmas, it was a little tricky though. We've been having psycho weather here in the midwest.

Sadly, I had to leave Beyonce back in Cedar Rapids, so on Christmas Eve (I came home on Christmas Day) I gave her some yummy cat food (you know, the kind that comes in a can that kind of smells yummy but you don't want to admit it because it looks like something that your little nephew had chewed up and opened his mouth for you to see). I showed her the can, and she meowed, and then I opened the can and she went crazy! Her meow sounded like it should have come from a diseased alley cat. She was pawing at my leg and she probably would have done an obstacle course (the kind where she would run through a hoop of fire and jump into a tub of water off a high dive) all for this cat food. Then I dumped it onto a plate and put it on the floor....she scrambled over and started devouring it. She actually only at half of the whole can...I'm so proud of her self control.

I love this video. It's so adorably cute. I dare you to not like it. You can't.

wonky

You know when you have those days where instead of the glass being half full or half empty you're looking through the bottom of it when everything is all wonky and you have a headache after 2 minutes? Yea, today was one of those days. At work I'm pretty sure all of the pages I designed formed a union and were vying to bring me down. Luckily, I, clumsily and lethargically, thwarted their plans. But it took some effort. Sorry, this is not a pity post. No! I don't want your pity! Take it back!

On a different note:

Beyonce and I are going to watch an episode of 'Lost' tonight. I love that. I love talking about Beyonce. Because everytime I say things like 'Beyonce's begging for scraps of my chicken' or 'Beyonce is laying on the couch and has cat litter on her feet' or even 'All Beyonce wants to do at night is snuggle' I giggle. I wrote my roommate a note while I was out of the apartment it said 'Beyonce's in the bathroom'. I really hope you find that funny. Because really. Beyonce in my bathroom? That's funny. (note: Beyonce is my cat. Well, she'll be my cat if no one claims her in the next couple days. I'm growing very attached).

A cat

For 10 minutes, 3 times in the past 24 hours, this is what I have looked like.

I will give you three reasons as to why I might be dressed up as this.

1. I'm self conscious about my neck.

2. I'm trying to freeze my jaw muscles so that they don't get droopy...I'm almost 23 you know.

3. My jaw has been hurting and I think I have TMJ

The correct answer? #3! My health care doesn't kick in until the 1st, so I'm icing my jaw and taking ibuprofen so that it doesn't hurt as much. And I'm trying to eat soft foods. I'm thinking of trying to put a hamburger in the blender...

There was a lady who was going around the apartment asking people if they were missing a cat -- because she found one. Well, I told her to bring it back to my apartment if she didn't find anyone who was missing it. So she brought it back. I called one roommate...she's not opposed to a cat, and the other is at work. After calling the apartment manager, we're going to hold on to the cat for a few days to see if anybody claims it. Which I'm pretty darn excited about...I love animals!

I'm thinking of calling her Beyonce. She has diva tendencies. Anybody have other name suggestions?

I'm off to get a few more last minute gifts...and sadly I'm going to have to leave Beyonce in the bathroom. With her make-shift kitty litter that the lady brought me.

Stomach issues

I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. My stomach is, like, "Liv! Wha's up yo? [my stomach tends to take on different dialects and personalities...much like myself]. My s-nizzle is hungry for g-fizzle! Where have all the num nums gone!? I'm soooooooooooooooooooo hungry! I would eat a whale right now (only if it was deep fat fried though). I would eat a zebra (if it didn't contain any stripes). I would looooove some broccoli and cauliflower (steamed or raw!)! I would (probably) run a half mile if a bowl of potato soup was waiting for me at the end!"

A co-worker and I were talking about what our last meal would be if you knew you were going to keel over tomorrow. Here's mine: ham balls, au gratin potatoes and green bean casserole. Yum. All made by my mother of course.

So now, I turn it over to you. What would you eat if tomorrow you were going to go sky diving and your parachute didn't open? (sorry, slightly morbid).

Record

I'm going to break a world record. I don't know which one I'm going to break. So I've found some that I could maybe do...or modify.

1. Largest gathering of people dressed as gorillas (there were 637 people there...right now I think I could get 3 people to do it....but with enough persuasion I could work up to 638)

2. Fastest modeling of a balloon dog. Instead of making a balloon dog, I think I will make a whole balloon town. With balloon people. That are real. It will be its own civilization, I just have to make sure they don't take over the world.

3. Most t-shirts worn at the same time. The world record is set at 121 t-shirts. I'm thinking instead of t-shirts I could try underwear.

4. World's longest eye brows. The longest was 3.5 inches. I'm thinking I could grow them at least 3.8 inches.

5. The most jelly eaten with chopsticks. I could modify it to be the most lasagna noodles eaten with a spork.

I'm going to the movie 'Invictus' tonight. Maybe I'll write a 5 page review for you guys. Do you think you would read it?

Records found here:

http://trifter.com/practical-travel/people-are-quite-odd-10-of-the-strangest-world-records/

and here:

http://www.oddee.com/item_86932.aspx

and some here:

http://www.philbrodieband.com/jokes_its-a-record.htm

In a movie

I was listening to music at work today (we can do that kinda stuff). And it made me feel like I was in a movie. You know, when everything slows down (maybe towards the end of the movie after you've had a big fight because of a secret that you finally had to tell) and you really start to think about life, all of a sudden I would have this huge epiphany where I would realize that the guy I was seeing, but dumped because I just didn't think we could really make it work (you know, I didn't like how he slurped soup and he thought I was ugly in the morning...that kinda thing), was my one true love and so, with the music still playing, I would slow-mo rip my headphones out, not even push my chair back into my desk (which I always do) and run to my love (let's say he's in the building...it's cold outside), I'd run really really fast (probably down a couple flights of stairs and through crowds of people carrying things like clipboards and stacks of manila folders [and they'd look at me in bewilderment as I burst through their posse and flung papers everywhere...not on purpose of course]), and then I'd see him, through a long hallway (doing something nonchalant like chatting to a fellow co-worker), and I'd stop (really out of breath, but still trying to look hot) and he'd feel my presence so he'd look up at me, and we'd have that look of 'I know' on our faces, even though nobody ever knows. I would start to run toward him (while the music would start getting really loud and passionate), and when I reached him, I would stop and then we'd start making out.

This was the song I was listening to that inspired that lovely script...call me if you want to make it into a movie. The song is called 'Low Rising' by The Swell Season

The Past

I have a confession. I'm not quite sure how to tell you guys this. It's kind of like baring my soul...something pretty private...something of the past that will tell you a little more about who I am today. Instead of making you guess blindfolded, I'll give you multiple choice.

a. I used to have an obsession with lavender colored sequins

b. One time I gagged on a handful of lima beans

c. I was a football cheerleader in 7th grade

If you guessed C you're right! And if you guessed B you're right too! If you guessed A...come on...lavender? I'm rethinking my opinion of you.

I'm not going to talk about gagging on lima beans, instead I'm going to talk about my cheerleading days. I was a beautiful cheerleader. I looked very posh in my red outfit with my hair in two french braids. I could yell like a person on fire and memorize cheers like I was expecting a pop quiz! I could also only jump about 4 inches off the ground. Ok, sorry, that was an exaggeration. It's only about 2 inches off the ground.

I can't jump. I have no vertical. It doesn't help that I'm short (my middle school gym teacher measured me at 5'7" in 8th grade, my high school gym teacher measured me at 5'5" in 9th grade and a couple months later the doc told me I was 5'3 3/4"...somebody's got it wrong, because I'm pretty sure I'm not shrinking), but for some reason gravity is a jealous ex-lover and wants to keep me down.

I don't want to subject you to a video of me jumping, so I give you a diagram (notice the cute skirt I'm wearing, with chunky heals, simple t-shirt and wonderful smile).

Maybe if I was flexible I could at least do the splits, then people wouldn't care if i could jump. I wish I was as flexible as these women.

Yum.

This is what I woke up to this morning. This is why I didn't want to go work out before work. This is why I stayed in bed until 9 and had a dream where I called in sick to work because I waiting for a train so I could go to the midnight showing of the Harry Potter movie...I think I might have been in England? When I called into work I told them I had a family emergency the next day so I wouldn't be able to come in. The HR lady sounded slightly skeptical. After I had called her I felt so guilty so I was going to call her back and tell her I could come into work, but my dream ended before I could.

As promised, here are photos and recipes for Kringla and buckeyes.

Kringla

They're like sweet bread rolls...but totally better

1/2 Cup Oleo

1 Egg

1 Cup sugar

3 Cup flour

2 1/2 Tsp. baking powder

1 Tsp. soda

1 Cup buttermilk

Dash of salt and vanilla

Mix together and bake @ 375 degrees (about 7 minutes...better to undercook than burn with these babies). Brush with milk when done.

Buckeyes

Don't even think about trying to compare these to Reese's (even though they are peanut butter covered in chocolate)

1 1/2 Sticks oleo

2 1/2 Cup powdered sugar

2 Cup peanut butter

Mix together in a big bowl (don't be afraid to get your hands dirty!)

Roll into small balls and put into freezer (or out on the porch)

Chocolate coating

Semi-sweet chocolate chips

Parafin wax

Melt semi-sweet chocolate chips in a pan (on the stove over low-low-low heat). Throw in some wax, as little as possible, to make the chocolate thinner and shiny! (I think, it's not scientifically proven).

Take toothpicks and dip the peanut butter balls 3/4 of the way in, place them on wax paper (they don't stick as much), and once they're dry you can cover up the holes by smoothing a knife over them...then nobody knows how you did it!

Before I end this post, I would like to apologize for two things:

1. I'm sorry my Kringla resemble feces. If you use regular flour instead of whole-wheat flour, you won't get the icky-poo-brown color and they look more like yummy little sweet-bread things you'll want to eat.

2. My Buckeyes are lumpy. And for that, I apologize. It's because I can't roll balls...they turn out like little space ships instead...then I try to fix them and they start sticking to my fingers and they turn into lumpy, chunky, globs of beautiful peanut buttery goodness.

Before you make the Kringla and Buckeyes, watch this video, and know that I can dance like this....kind of.

Santa Baby, buy me something

Right now I am in cozy, christmas bliss. I've created a channel on Pandora that's old jazzy christmas music. I'm in love. With a radio station. I never thought it would happen like this, but I've been told you can't help who you fall in love with.

Yesterday I made both Buckeys and Kringla (I also cleaned, and did the dishes...I was a domestic goddes!)!! I haven't gotten pictures of the kringla or buckeyes, because I'm lazy, but I promise to post the recipes and pictures (before one of my roommates eats all of the kringla). I went to Target to get food yesterday (because Fareway was PACKED), and I tried to sneak by the clothes, but they were taunting me. "What were they saying Liv?" you might ask. Oh you know, the normal things like "Hey you, you look ugly now, but if you buy this dress you'll turn into a rockstar!" Or even "Hey pancake face! Did you know that statistics say if you buy something you get really really happy?" and they even tried this one "Hey hot stuff! You're lookin' good right now! If you tried me on you'd never be able to take me off because I'll make your butt look perkier than it already is! Which is hard to do because you're hot already! But I can make you even more hot!!" (The thing is, I found a jacket for $15 and a wrap dress for $15. I love them both, and I know I'll get a lot of wear out of them.) (I know these are fairly harsh things to say, but when I'm not looking for clothes that's when I find things that I love, and I try to resist, and if I imagine the clothes being mean instead of begging me to buy them it makes it a little easier to resist...I'm not crazy...I promise.....kind of).

Please enjoy this video. I think this is one of my favorite Christmas Songs.

It's fairly scandalous, as she seems to be wearing a fur, shawl thing, but towel like, yet I don't know if it's suppose to be a dress or a cover-up, or a sweatshirt. (watch past the minute mark when her friends start to pop up. Literally. They come out of nowhere). Although throughout the song, Eartha Kitt has the huge, somewhat creepy, eyes.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

First, I have to post this video. There is a story behind it, and the short version is that when I was in school and had to stay up really late in the printmaking room, my friend and I would lip-synch to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and play air drums and air piano. It's funnier when you know the song, so I really hope you know the song...otherwise your opinion of me might lower a bit after you watch this video (try and make it to the 1:45 mark, that's my favorite part).

In other news, I'm watching 'Love Actually'. Right now it's at the beginning, the wedding part where a choir starts singing and someone from the the congregation snuck in a tuba and started to play along. If you haven't seen it..well...see it.

This weekend I'm going to make buckeyes! They're basically peanut butter balls dipped partially in chocolate. Oh man. They're amazing. After I make them I'll make sure to post the recipe.

For some reason I'm in a fairly large holiday mood. I kind of feel like dressing up as a christmas tree and an elf at the same time (when I was a baby, I looked like an elf, I don't think it's ever really gone away.....) and throwing tinsel at people while singing 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer'. Did you know that it's DONDOR, not Donnor for one of the Reindeers? Someone wrote to 'Dear Abby' to tell her that and hope she could spread the news. Because helping people to recognize that it's really Dondor, not Donnor, begins with a help column in a newspaper.

Ballet 101*

Today I would like to give you a dance lesson, from my nephew. You might say "Liv, why am I getting a dance lesson? I groove like a banshee when I'm on the dance floor!" My dear, lovely, rhythmically-inclined reader: I don't doubt that you get your groovin' movin' booty on, but there's always room for improvement right? Onward.

We're all going to learn some classical basics from my nephew Gabe. Gabe is a sensitive little fellow (he'll be two on December 7th) who enjoys candy, snuggling and running after/away from little dogs that are 1/4 of his size. But hey, what other almost 2-year-old doesn't love that?

So to begin with, I give you first position. Notice the upright posture and concentration of the turnout. (although he may need to turn from the hips more [I learned that from Center Stage])

Now, second position. If you're like Gabe, and have an almost-two-year-old sense of balance and need to hold on the table, that's ok. In this position here, the goal is to find a spot on the wall to stare at. Once you find that spot, just turn out your left leg until toes are pointed as far back as they can go and you look a little disjointed, and you've got it.

If you find yourself doing these positions and all of a sudden you need to stretch, feel free to do that.

And always, return to 1st

Then, arabesque! Beautiful! Notice the weight placed on the front foot, giving him proper balance to really elongate that back leg. Now, if you hold your breath in this pose, you can get the same somwhat-constipated face as my nephew here (just a pointer for all you beginners).

Also, if people aren't watching you while you're doing this (there should always be an audience), feel free to go over and check to see if they're watching, or remind them that whatever they're doing is not as important as watching you do ballet.

Then repeat the action (only better this time). Really stretch it out. This is the money pose.

There you have it. Ballet 101 from an almost-two-year-old.

Anybody else not take dance lessons when they were younger and feel slightly deprived because of it?

*I would also like to put a disclaimer on this post...I actually know nothing about ballet...I really hope you didn't have to read this disclaimer to figure that out.

Plastic

Last Friday I took my car in for an oil change. Once they were done they had me come back...to show me the bottom of my car...(because everything under there makes sense to me of course). So I got to see the underbelly of Betty (my car). At first it was cool, like something forbidden. Like a child sneaking downstairs to steal jelly beans from the drawer where her mom hides them (and she thinks her children don't know). But then I felt as if I was violating Betty by looking at her innards (it also felt unnatural to have Betty 8ft in the air). I mean, Betty and I don't have that kind of relationship. The only reason I would pop the hood would be because smoke was pouring out and on movies I've seen people pop the hood because smoke is pouring out, or maybe to make it look like I had a problem so the hot guy in a white t-shirt and jeans would come over and help me. And the only reason I would look at her underbelly is because the guy who changed my oil told me to.

Anyway, I asked them about the Smack noise - remember? - they looked around, doing their mechanic-y thing, and they told me it was plastic. Seriously. Plastic. Then, they showed me where it was. And, by golly, the plastic by the tire on the right side was scuffed and ripped! They said they couldn't fix it (the whole front bumper would have to be replaced), so I'll just have to deal. Which I totally can!

Now, I write this letter of apology to the three mechanics who told me it was plastic that was making the noise and I didn't' believe them.

Dear mechanics who told me that funny noise was plastic and I didn't believe you:

I apologize for not believing you. But for my sake, you told me that you'd fixed it...when really you hadn't. That's why I didn't think it was plastic, and that was why, when I got home, I told my family mean things about you behind your back. And for that I apologize too.

Sincerely,

Liv

And this letter is for the people who showed me Betty's underbelly

Dear Midas:

Thank you for letting me check Betty's underbelly. Was it because I have short hair and look like boy that you took me seriously? Thank you for showing me the plastic thingy that really was making the noise. Now I won't call you a liar. Also, thank you for not adjusting my seat when you drove my car into the shop. I really appreciate getting into the car and being able to reach the peddles (Because even though I am slightly on the shorter side of height, they always seem to find the person who is at least 7'3" and has to pull my review mirror off because it doesn't go high enough for them to see out the back window, to drive my car)

Sincerely,

Liv